1

CHOOSING A LOCATION FOR YOUR BASE

The most important thing to remember when you are trying to dominate the world is this: build your secret base in a sensible location. Whatever you do, DO NOT spend your vast ill-gotten fortune on the sort of base that sits neatly inside an extinct volcano with a metal lake over the top. Why not? Because WHEN the super secret agent comes along to end your plans, you can bet your bottom stolen dollar that when he fires his tiny little exploding dart thrower gun thing, somehow, don't ask me how, but somehow, the huge stockpile of fuel that you have built up will catch alight and take everything else along with it. Contained as it is inside your armoured citadel, everything will be lost forever as the explosion fans out. Spread your resources, declare independence from your motherland and use up an entire country to keep all the explosive stuff AWAY FROM YOUR ESCAPE POD.

2

BUYING YOUR EQUIPMENT

DON'T let the salesman talk you round. Think SENSIBLE. Ask yourself, WHY are the orange-overalls going cheap? WHAT are those little red stains on the front and WHERE did those black-rimmed holes come from? REMEMBER, no matter what your monorail drivers say to you, BRIGHT YELLOW IS NOT A GOOD COLOUR FOR CAMOUFLAGE. Especially when the Royal Navy turns up and sets the Marines on you.

3

SNAZZY INVENTIONS

Gadgets are the sure way to ruin life for the modern Supervillain. Forget elaborate traps that cost a fortune. A couple of good blokes with high-velocity guns can do just as good a job, if not better, and cost half as much. What's more, they are MOBILE, and can react when the Secret Agent infiltrating your base has climbed in through the ventilation duct and not come via the main entrance as you expected, thus bypassing your huge laser wall or collapsing ceiling. Hire some goons, and stick them at some strategic locations around your base so they can KILL the Secret Agent as soon as he pops his nosy head round the door. Remember that money is hard to come by since they invented the fraud detector pen.

While we are on the subject of ventilation ducts, be sensible when you design your base. Do you really NEED a duct large enough to enable a man to crawl through? Really? OK, then place some bars across the duct at regular intervals. MAKE IT DIFFICULT for any super-soldier intent on getting inside to foil your plans. Ventilator ducts should be seen as an investment in the future of your insane schemes. Enough said.

4

HIRING STAFF

There are three rules here.

1) Hire mutes if at all possible. The last thing you want is some smart-arsed goon who can speak ruining things for you by saying "Say your prayers Mr Bond" just before shooting him through the head. This usually allows the aforementioned Secret Agent just enough time to unfeasibly twist his hand around and snap the specially sharpened metal end of his belt off and send it flying to embed in the goons' neck.

2) Qualifications are essential. Hire CLEVER people to be in charge of all the mutes running around. It goes without saying that you don't want a bunch of idiots hanging around your base, scratching their heads in confusion at a crucial moment as the Secret Agent or Royal Marines run rings around them because they have a few 'O' Levels. Vet your candidates carefully, and don't employ any relatives because they will ALWAYS let you down. Don't ask me why, but it always happens.

3) Try and stay away from people with gimmicks. If the huge guy with metal teeth used to work for Mr Cancer, or whatever, ask yourself, WHAT HAPPENED TO MR CANCER? Why isn't he in charge of the world by now? Chances are, the huge guy with metal teeth was outwitted by the Secret Agent at some point, so you can probably do without him.

5

KEEP IT SMALL TO START WITH

Whatever you do, DON'T go drawing attention to yourself by stealing something large and expensive. Like the Space Shuttle. Or a Nuclear Submarine. Or Panama. Chances are, someone might come looking for them. Trust me on this one.

6

RANSOM DEMANDS

Dear oh dear. How many times have we been sat around, watching the footie, when some lunatic pops up on the screen, makes some kind of stupid demand, and then goes away again. Don't do this. The camera doesn't do you justice and you'll just look silly. And it forces your chosen Government into a corner, where they simply HAVE to do something to stop you. Or lose face before the whole world. Keep it quiet, but very real, and you'll laugh all the way to the Presidency.

7

KNOW YOUR ENEMY

He comes in several forms, some are more unlikely than others. He could be a top Secret Agent from the British Government, he could be some off-duty cop come to the airport to pick up his missus, and he could even be the chef. He could even be your long-lost younger brother with a sexy bird in tow (this is quite common actually, although she will usually turn out to have taken Karate lessons in her spare time and of course her father thought it quite important that she knew how to use a gun). TAKE NO CHANCES. KILL EVERYONE YOU SEE.

8

KNOW YOUR ENEMY (II)

The ubiquitous "sexy bird in tow" with your opposite number, will always, ALWAYS trip up when involved in a chase with your goons.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS.

9

WOMEN

Watch yourself here. We can't fault you if you want a bit of flange hanging around, who wouldn't? You've got the cash, you're wearing a nice suit and she likes cats, who can blame you for wanting her to brighten up the old secret underground base? Just make sure she's useful for something. Teach her Judo or knife throwing or something. Give her a machine-gun. Make sure she knows how to throw a grenade. Just don't be too surprised when she ends up shagging the good guy, or gets killed by him (or, more likely his flange) after a vicious fistfight. These things happen, and there are plenty more fish in the sea. Especially for the ruler of the universe. You might even have to kill her yourself. Don't flinch from this task, do it yourself immediately. Don't feed her to the dogs, she'll only get found by the good guy and give him some information, or a key or something as she dies.

10

PETS

Cats are nice, just don't let them wander all over the missile keyboard. And don't sit there holding the thing like someone on bloody Jackanory. When the balloon goes up, the thing will only go and claw you at an inopportune moment and you'll lose everything you fought for.

Sharks and other deadly predators could be construed as gimmicks that should be avoided, but I suppose you are entitled to some pleasures in life. Go on, knock yourself out.

11

KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY

Or your own country to be more precise. There's nothing people like more than foiling plans laid by foreigners, and then bragging about it afterwards. If you are German, then blackmail the German Government. If you are French, then stick to schemes solely in French territories. The only exception to this rule applies if you are ENGLISH. Everyone expects dastardly schemes of the English, we all have a bloody good laugh about it along the way, and they all know that, underneath, we really are jolly nice chaps anyway. That's what you get after twenty years of every single bad guy in Hollywood films being played by actors of English stock. Even Darth Vader was played by the Green Cross Code Man for Pete's sake!

12

DEADLY TRAPS/METHODS OF EXECUTION

So, you've caught the good guy. Feels pretty good doesn't it? All your plans are coming together. The heat's off, the sexy bird is tied up in your bedroom (only fair, he/she did kill yours after all) and it's ten minutes to zero hour. Now kill him. No matter how tempting it might sound, don't leave him in the room full of gas, or tied to a pole surrounded by alligators. Just take out your gold-plated pistol and shoot the guy between the eyes. What else did you buy the gun for if not for moments like this? If you don't kill him now, I guarantee you'll end up dying by your own hand, or involved in some unfeasible accident involving a large missile, your only memory a sharp wisecrack from the good guy. Do you really want to go out like this?

And another thing, kill him yourself. Don't leave it to one of your henchmen, no matter how many GCSE's he's got. Don't run off after asking your mute bodyguard to "finish him" before announcing that you are leaving for the command room, up the stairs, second on the left past the main reactor. If you want a job done, DO IT YOURSELF.

13

FIENDISH PLANS

...should be revealed on a "need to know" basis only. If possible, only YOU should know the full extent of what is going on. And don't go blabbering all about it to the good guy as it seems that "nuzzink in ze vurld can stop you now" because as sure as eggs is eggs, you'll end up being ejected into space, or eaten by your own pet shark before the hour is out.

14

ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END

Despite everything, your meticulous planning, religious adherence to this guide, it's all gone horribly wrong. The good guys have won, and you are the most wanted man on Earth. You've ejected in your escape pod and are, at this very moment, heading for your other secret base to begin anew, or wait for the final showdown.

DON'T.

When all's said and done, surely you must agree that it's time to just walk away from it all. Change that course heading. Just forget it ever happened, or remember the good days you had as the most powerful man on Earth, and thank the stars you are still in one piece. Head back home, set up shop somewhere. Become a door to door salesman or something. You'll live a long and happy life, and you'll be able to spend hours talking about it to your grandchildren in the years to come.

15

THE FINAL SHOWDOWN

You wouldn't let it lie would you? Oh no, you just HAD to have that one last scene between you and the good guy. He's going to kill you, you know that don't you? For Heavens' sake, HE'S A TRAINED KILLER!

Oh well, if you really MUST fight him, just will you please remember this? Don't get all "macho" and go head to head in fisticuffs. You'll end up impaled on something, no really, you will. Just take the first opportunity available to you and shoot your enemy in the head. No fancy stuff, just kill him. Stone dead. And then get the hell outta there.

Good luck!